Tales of the Polycystic Ovaries

Still Feeling Down

Sorry I haven't been blogging.  Things have been rough.  Sophia had her mastectomy so I spent a few days with her and her family helping out.  It was nice to spend some time with her and make her laugh.  She's handling it really well but it's not easy and I wish that there was more that I could do for her.  I'm having a really hard time with this.  It breaks my heart to see her this way but it seems that she's going to be ok so I guess that's the good news.  

As for me, there's no immediate plans to make a baby.  I'm too stressed and I need to lose some weight.  Maybe late spring or early summer.  I don't know.  I'd love to have another baby but I'm a mess right now and I've barely dealt with the fact that I had a miscarriage again.  I think about it every once in a while.  Today when Aislinn & I were laying down for a nap she said, "Mommy, your tummy isn't growing" and my heart broke.  Ugh. I just have to focus on losing weight and getting healthy right now.  It's not easy but I have to do it.

The good news that I do have is that Aislinn has been pretty good at using the potty but I still need to remind her to sit on the potty.  She doesn't think to do it on her own but that's ok.  There was only one wet diaper today!! Yay!!

Not OK

I miscarried, as you all know, but besides that someone very close to me has breast cancer.  Let's just call her Sophia.  Anyone out there who knows Sophia there's a reason I call her that.  There's a joke we used to have and it makes sense for that to be her code name here on my blog.  Anyway, Sophia had a mastectomy yesterday morning.  Her breast cancer is more upsetting to me than my miscarriage.  I kinda thought the miscarriage would happen this time anyway.  Ugh.  Not that the miscarriage isn't awful, because it's always awful, but it's not as awful as cancer.  I've been cleaning and cooking and cleaning and cleaning and cooking.  Anything I can do to keep my mind off of Sophia's breast cancer.  Or maybe just to keep me busy so that I don't sit still and think about it.  Her breast cancer is stage two and they don't believe it has spread to her lymph nodes so that's good.  Things are never 100% again though, are they?  She was in good spirits and all until last Wednesday when she finally cried about it and since then I've been a mess.  Well, before that I was barely sleeping but once she cried that was it.  She's always strong when things aren't right.  I kind of depend on her for that and right now she can't be.  She is entitled to a break down every once in a while, right?  Of course.  We all are.  I just don't know what to do with myself.  I've been cleaning and cooking and all that so that I'm just exhausted at the end of the day in hopes that I'll just fall asleep but I still can't.  She doesn't want pink ribbons and absolutely doesn't want anyone walking for her.  She doesn't want anyone talking about it when she's not there.  Nobody is following that rule.  She is letting me stay with her for a few days next week to help out.  That makes me feel a little bit better.  I don't know how to sort out my feelings right now.  Some days I feel ok, others I don't.  I don't know what the right thing to say or do is.  I don't know what to do when the bad stuff is happening to someone else and not to me.  I feel helpless and I hate watching her go through this.  I just want her to be ok.  I wish there was more I could do.

As for me and my faulty reproductive organs, Dr. Hotness is going to have me do some tests before we do anything with frosty.  He doesn't think that we will find anything.  He still thinks I capable of getting and staying pregnant.  I don't know if I think that's possible, but no baby is going to want to be in my tired stressed out body right now so I'm going to have to start managing that.  Depending on the results of the tests and our bank account, we would probably wait until after the new year before doing a frozen cycle.  I also need to lose some weight... during the holiday season.  It'll be fun.

Aislinn is really enjoying school.  Too bad it's just 2 days a week right now.  She's having so much fun.  Potty training wasn't going so well but out of nowhere she asked to sit on the big potty yesterday.  She tired 3 times, didn't pee or poop at all, but at least she tried and asked to try.  Same thing today, but hasn't actually done anything in the potty.  That's ok though, at least she wants to try.  What more can I ask?  

Umm, there was nothing there, but something should be and might be? Whatever!

Howie and I went to the clinic this morning so that I could get blood work and an ultrasound done.  As we expected there was nothing to see in my uterus.  Dr. What's-her-name (I can never remember) talked to me about how they sometimes have to worry about ectopic pregnancy if they can't see it in the uterus and my hcg level is still high.  Umm... THEY put the embryos in... how would an embryo end up in my tube?  WTF?  I just shook my head and said ok because I didn't expect that that would be something they'd actually continue to consider.  I just wanted to go home and lay down.  Around 1 pm I get a call from Nurse M&M and she told me that she's sorry to hear about the miscarriage, then she told me that my hcg level was 1211 and at that level something should be in there but sometimes it's hard to see before the hcg level reaches 1500.  So, they want me to come in tomorrow morning for more blood work and another ultrasound.  Not that they think Dr. What's-her-name doesn't do a great job with the dildo cam but perhaps a different doctor there might catch something else.  Can we all just agree that Dr. What's-her-name is a  moron, because I've always felt like she was the weak link and I never trust anything she says because she seems like she may have just learned something new from her medical books but doesn't really know a thing.  Maybe that's why I haven't taken the time to learn her name.  Anyway, fine, I'll go in for another probing.  Then she said that after the other doc wands me that we have to come up with a plan as to what to do about this pregnancy.  I might need an injection to clear things out in there.  Well, wait a fucking moment.  I don't think anything is actually alive in there because the whole inside of my uterus fell into the toilet last night, but if by some freak fucking chance something is in there... and not hiking up my fallopian tubes for fun... then why are we killing it?  I mean, if it's hard to see right now maybe we should just watch my hcg levels and see if they increase and then when they get high enough and if I haven't totally had another uterine purge then maybe we can do another scan and see if it has a heartbeat?  My sister knew someone that spent her whole adult life trying to get pregnant then when she did her docs thought she was miscarrying so they had her go in for a d&c and somehow they didn't scrape out the baby and thank God for that because the baby wasn't dead!  She didn't have a miscarriage and she carried the baby to term!!  WTF???  So, I'm not saying this is likely happening to me, but if we're still looking for something and thinking it's hard to see because my level is below 1500 still then why are we even thinking about a shot yet?  Why don't we just watch my hcg level.  If it's dropping then I'll take the crappy shot, but if it's going up then they aren't doing a fucking thing.  I think they're thinking it's growing in my tube but I don't think there's anything in there.  Can't you fucking check for that?  And if I did miscarry then I'm going to ask Dr. Hotness to do some blood tests on me because why the hell do I keep miscarrying and passing loads of blood clots.  My first miscarriage wasn't like that, I just started bleeding like a period.  The last two times I passed giant blood clots for 2 to 3 hours with awful cramps that were like an 8 on a scale of 1 to 10.  After passing the blood clots the bleeding and cramping stops.  It seems weird.  I wanted to go buy a venti pumpkin spice latte when everything went to hell but with all this is the baby in there or not business I decided to hold off on the caffeine injection.  Let's hope there's more info tomorrow but I doubt anything will be more clear.