Crappy Good News

OK people, I'm holding out on you.  I totally peed on a stick on Monday night after I posted.  I couldn't wait and I was hoping that maybe if it was positive then it would give me something to be happy about.  Anyway, I peed on the only stick I had left and when I didn't instantly see a line I was let down.  Then I sat there with the pee stick and thought I might see something.  It was so faint that I thought I was making myself see something that wasn't there.  I kept looking and looking and looking and after a while I was sure that it was there.  It was faint and I had to hold it under the light of a thousand suns to see it but the line was there.  So, I left it alone because like I said, it was the last pee stick in the house and I was trying to talk myself out of spending the money on more pee sticks.  Of course I woke up this morning, before my beta test and held my morning pee while I raced over to CVS to buy more pee sticks.  Serioiusly, before my blood test I did this.  I drove back the house and peed on the stick and it took a while but there it was, the line!  It was there, and it was slightly darker than before.  I was disappointed that it wasn't darker but I was also just happy that I could see it in low lighting.  I went off to the clinic for my beta test but had to stop to get gas ahead of time.  At this point I'm thinking crazy things, like 'I went to this same gas station before I went in for my beta test last year when I came home and started bleeding'.  I started to think that stopping there was bad luck.  I'm crazy, I know, but you get that way after too many shitty heart breaks.  When I get to the clinic I confess that I cheated and tested at home and that it was positive.  They tell me that I can stop my low dose asprin and that they'll call me later with my level.  Ok, so I feel slightly more calm but not totally because positive home pregnancy test or not, if my level is low it's no good.  So around 1 pm Dr. Hotness calls and says "Good News!!" and I say, "Yeah?" and then pauses and asks as if he's irritated, "Did you already know or something?" and I said, "Well, sort of. I tested at home but it was a faint line so I don't know."  I feel like I'm in trouble or something and he says, "We'll your hcg level is 61 and we like to see it above a 50 so that's good."  I write the disappointing 61 down on my pad and pretend to be excited as he tells me they just want to see me back on Saturday morning for another beta test.  I don't remember much after that.  61, I mean, I know that people get numbers like that and actually end up giving birth to a real live baby in the end, but me?  Not likely, sister.  The first time I got pregnant my hormone level was 58.  I went in again (also on a Saturday) and it doubled, great.  I went in again on a Monday and got a call from the doc.  She said she was sorry but my level went down and that I was going to miscarry.  I'm just waiting for it again.  61 today, maybe 122 if I'm lucky on Saturday and then something shitty like 74 on Monday maybe?  I know, I know, everyone says to be positive but when I was pregnant with Aislinn I had to test a couple of days early because we were going away on a cruise and my level then was 308.  When they transferred ONE frozen embryo into my polyp-studded-womb a year ago my first beta test came back with a 613 or something crazy like that.  So, here I am after having 2 blastocysts transferred and my level is 61?  Uh, for me this is no good.  I am almost 100% sure of it.  Go ahead body, make me eat my words and actually carry this baby to term.  Prove me wrong, but I bet I'm not wrong.  So, it's "good news", kinda, but I'm preparing myself for the shitty news because it's likely to come.