Tales of the Polycystic Ovaries

Not OK

I miscarried, as you all know, but besides that someone very close to me has breast cancer.  Let's just call her Sophia.  Anyone out there who knows Sophia there's a reason I call her that.  There's a joke we used to have and it makes sense for that to be her code name here on my blog.  Anyway, Sophia had a mastectomy yesterday morning.  Her breast cancer is more upsetting to me than my miscarriage.  I kinda thought the miscarriage would happen this time anyway.  Ugh.  Not that the miscarriage isn't awful, because it's always awful, but it's not as awful as cancer.  I've been cleaning and cooking and cleaning and cleaning and cooking.  Anything I can do to keep my mind off of Sophia's breast cancer.  Or maybe just to keep me busy so that I don't sit still and think about it.  Her breast cancer is stage two and they don't believe it has spread to her lymph nodes so that's good.  Things are never 100% again though, are they?  She was in good spirits and all until last Wednesday when she finally cried about it and since then I've been a mess.  Well, before that I was barely sleeping but once she cried that was it.  She's always strong when things aren't right.  I kind of depend on her for that and right now she can't be.  She is entitled to a break down every once in a while, right?  Of course.  We all are.  I just don't know what to do with myself.  I've been cleaning and cooking and all that so that I'm just exhausted at the end of the day in hopes that I'll just fall asleep but I still can't.  She doesn't want pink ribbons and absolutely doesn't want anyone walking for her.  She doesn't want anyone talking about it when she's not there.  Nobody is following that rule.  She is letting me stay with her for a few days next week to help out.  That makes me feel a little bit better.  I don't know how to sort out my feelings right now.  Some days I feel ok, others I don't.  I don't know what the right thing to say or do is.  I don't know what to do when the bad stuff is happening to someone else and not to me.  I feel helpless and I hate watching her go through this.  I just want her to be ok.  I wish there was more I could do.

As for me and my faulty reproductive organs, Dr. Hotness is going to have me do some tests before we do anything with frosty.  He doesn't think that we will find anything.  He still thinks I capable of getting and staying pregnant.  I don't know if I think that's possible, but no baby is going to want to be in my tired stressed out body right now so I'm going to have to start managing that.  Depending on the results of the tests and our bank account, we would probably wait until after the new year before doing a frozen cycle.  I also need to lose some weight... during the holiday season.  It'll be fun.

Aislinn is really enjoying school.  Too bad it's just 2 days a week right now.  She's having so much fun.  Potty training wasn't going so well but out of nowhere she asked to sit on the big potty yesterday.  She tired 3 times, didn't pee or poop at all, but at least she tried and asked to try.  Same thing today, but hasn't actually done anything in the potty.  That's ok though, at least she wants to try.  What more can I ask?  

Umm, there was nothing there, but something should be and might be? Whatever!

Howie and I went to the clinic this morning so that I could get blood work and an ultrasound done.  As we expected there was nothing to see in my uterus.  Dr. What's-her-name (I can never remember) talked to me about how they sometimes have to worry about ectopic pregnancy if they can't see it in the uterus and my hcg level is still high.  Umm... THEY put the embryos in... how would an embryo end up in my tube?  WTF?  I just shook my head and said ok because I didn't expect that that would be something they'd actually continue to consider.  I just wanted to go home and lay down.  Around 1 pm I get a call from Nurse M&M and she told me that she's sorry to hear about the miscarriage, then she told me that my hcg level was 1211 and at that level something should be in there but sometimes it's hard to see before the hcg level reaches 1500.  So, they want me to come in tomorrow morning for more blood work and another ultrasound.  Not that they think Dr. What's-her-name doesn't do a great job with the dildo cam but perhaps a different doctor there might catch something else.  Can we all just agree that Dr. What's-her-name is a  moron, because I've always felt like she was the weak link and I never trust anything she says because she seems like she may have just learned something new from her medical books but doesn't really know a thing.  Maybe that's why I haven't taken the time to learn her name.  Anyway, fine, I'll go in for another probing.  Then she said that after the other doc wands me that we have to come up with a plan as to what to do about this pregnancy.  I might need an injection to clear things out in there.  Well, wait a fucking moment.  I don't think anything is actually alive in there because the whole inside of my uterus fell into the toilet last night, but if by some freak fucking chance something is in there... and not hiking up my fallopian tubes for fun... then why are we killing it?  I mean, if it's hard to see right now maybe we should just watch my hcg levels and see if they increase and then when they get high enough and if I haven't totally had another uterine purge then maybe we can do another scan and see if it has a heartbeat?  My sister knew someone that spent her whole adult life trying to get pregnant then when she did her docs thought she was miscarrying so they had her go in for a d&c and somehow they didn't scrape out the baby and thank God for that because the baby wasn't dead!  She didn't have a miscarriage and she carried the baby to term!!  WTF???  So, I'm not saying this is likely happening to me, but if we're still looking for something and thinking it's hard to see because my level is below 1500 still then why are we even thinking about a shot yet?  Why don't we just watch my hcg level.  If it's dropping then I'll take the crappy shot, but if it's going up then they aren't doing a fucking thing.  I think they're thinking it's growing in my tube but I don't think there's anything in there.  Can't you fucking check for that?  And if I did miscarry then I'm going to ask Dr. Hotness to do some blood tests on me because why the hell do I keep miscarrying and passing loads of blood clots.  My first miscarriage wasn't like that, I just started bleeding like a period.  The last two times I passed giant blood clots for 2 to 3 hours with awful cramps that were like an 8 on a scale of 1 to 10.  After passing the blood clots the bleeding and cramping stops.  It seems weird.  I wanted to go buy a venti pumpkin spice latte when everything went to hell but with all this is the baby in there or not business I decided to hold off on the caffeine injection.  Let's hope there's more info tomorrow but I doubt anything will be more clear.  

Crappy Good News

OK people, I'm holding out on you.  I totally peed on a stick on Monday night after I posted.  I couldn't wait and I was hoping that maybe if it was positive then it would give me something to be happy about.  Anyway, I peed on the only stick I had left and when I didn't instantly see a line I was let down.  Then I sat there with the pee stick and thought I might see something.  It was so faint that I thought I was making myself see something that wasn't there.  I kept looking and looking and looking and after a while I was sure that it was there.  It was faint and I had to hold it under the light of a thousand suns to see it but the line was there.  So, I left it alone because like I said, it was the last pee stick in the house and I was trying to talk myself out of spending the money on more pee sticks.  Of course I woke up this morning, before my beta test and held my morning pee while I raced over to CVS to buy more pee sticks.  Serioiusly, before my blood test I did this.  I drove back the house and peed on the stick and it took a while but there it was, the line!  It was there, and it was slightly darker than before.  I was disappointed that it wasn't darker but I was also just happy that I could see it in low lighting.  I went off to the clinic for my beta test but had to stop to get gas ahead of time.  At this point I'm thinking crazy things, like 'I went to this same gas station before I went in for my beta test last year when I came home and started bleeding'.  I started to think that stopping there was bad luck.  I'm crazy, I know, but you get that way after too many shitty heart breaks.  When I get to the clinic I confess that I cheated and tested at home and that it was positive.  They tell me that I can stop my low dose asprin and that they'll call me later with my level.  Ok, so I feel slightly more calm but not totally because positive home pregnancy test or not, if my level is low it's no good.  So around 1 pm Dr. Hotness calls and says "Good News!!" and I say, "Yeah?" and then pauses and asks as if he's irritated, "Did you already know or something?" and I said, "Well, sort of. I tested at home but it was a faint line so I don't know."  I feel like I'm in trouble or something and he says, "We'll your hcg level is 61 and we like to see it above a 50 so that's good."  I write the disappointing 61 down on my pad and pretend to be excited as he tells me they just want to see me back on Saturday morning for another beta test.  I don't remember much after that.  61, I mean, I know that people get numbers like that and actually end up giving birth to a real live baby in the end, but me?  Not likely, sister.  The first time I got pregnant my hormone level was 58.  I went in again (also on a Saturday) and it doubled, great.  I went in again on a Monday and got a call from the doc.  She said she was sorry but my level went down and that I was going to miscarry.  I'm just waiting for it again.  61 today, maybe 122 if I'm lucky on Saturday and then something shitty like 74 on Monday maybe?  I know, I know, everyone says to be positive but when I was pregnant with Aislinn I had to test a couple of days early because we were going away on a cruise and my level then was 308.  When they transferred ONE frozen embryo into my polyp-studded-womb a year ago my first beta test came back with a 613 or something crazy like that.  So, here I am after having 2 blastocysts transferred and my level is 61?  Uh, for me this is no good.  I am almost 100% sure of it.  Go ahead body, make me eat my words and actually carry this baby to term.  Prove me wrong, but I bet I'm not wrong.  So, it's "good news", kinda, but I'm preparing myself for the shitty news because it's likely to come.

What's that? Good news? Again?

Uh, I hope I don't run out of good luck because I don't seem to have a lot of it... until this week. It makes me kind of nervous.  

We got a call from the fertility clinic at 1:35.  The nurse asked how I was doing and I said replied, "great" and she laughed and said that I was going to be doing even better because the embryologist just emailed Dr. Hotness to say they'd like to move me to a day 5 transfer.  I have 12 embryos still dividing and 11 of those are GRADE ONE!!  Crazy!  Again, I don't want to get too excited because I still need to get to the day of transfer and have happy healthy little blastocysts.  Then they need to stick to my uterus.  Then I need to get a BFP!!  Then I need to make it to the ultrasound and see all the important things you expect to see when you look at your tiny little growing baby for the first time.  Then I need to get past week 12 and then I might start to relax.  Around the time I start to show I really chill out.  So, it'll be a good while before I truly believe things are ok and actually going well.  But, so far so good.  Right?

On the OHSS front, I'm feeling better.  Thank you Gatorade!!  It seriously has made me feel sooooo much better!  The pressure inside of my body has gone down and I no longer look pregnant.  The bloating was awful, my belly was so distended that it was painful.  I could have gotten stretch marks.  I should have been rubbing myself down with cocoa butter.  I love it.  Gatorade is the shit!!

Aislinn is feeling better too.  She slept with us last night because around 9:30 her temp was almost 103 while on infant tylenol!  She was on fire.  I decided not to worry about catching it because I'm on doxycycline which is an antibiotic anyway so hopefully all is fine.  We've been checking her temperature every 4 hours and by 2 pm her fever was gone.  She back to her old self running around playing and eating.  Yay!  Now, hopefully she'll go to sleep in her room tonight.  If not that's fine too, she's leaving to stay with Grandma and Pa for a few days soon.  Monday night she leaves so that I can get a few days of rest after the transfer.  I'm going to miss her but I'm looking forward to a few days of playing Sims 3, eating and sleeping whenever I want.

I need to give myself a time out!

Could I be more dramatic?  Can I blame it on my hormones?  Sorry for all the drama, but Dr. Hotness was all kinds of negative about my insides this morning and I almost cried right in front of him like a jackass.  Anyway, Nurse M&M called and all is fine.  My estrogen went up REEEEAALLY well so I'm just going to stick with my same dosage and go back on Sunday.  Let's hope it keeps getting better.  Cross your fingers, toes, arms, legs, eyes and anything else that you can cross for me, pleeease!  I need it!

Update and more...

Here's a quick recap of what I've been up to since my last post:

Went batshit crazy on Provera.  STAY AWAY FROM PROVERA!

Turned 30.  Had kick ass party.  Got drunk.  Happy 3-0 to me!

Went on birth control and the bitch monster that I was went away.  Happy and level again.

Had a great 4th of July.

Went to various carnivals and ate too much fried dough with powdered sugar.  Mmmmm!!

Went on South Beach diet and lost 4 lbs in 4 days.  Got lazy again.

Had polyp and fibroid removed from uterus.

Started Lupron while still on birth control in preparation for IVF cycle.

Went to Lancaster, PA with Howie, Aislinn & in-laws for a weekend.

Went camping in Cape Cod with Howie, Aislinn & my sister, brother-in-law & niece!  It rocked and I wish we could have stayed longer.

Started hardcore fertility meds and all was going well...

That catches us up to now.  We were expecting that I should have been ready to trigger tonight or tomorrow but went in this morning and how strange... my uterine lining went from type 1 to type 2 which is no good.  Need to be type 1.  My follicles, not doing a thing.  Lazy fucking ovaries!!!  Dr. Hotness checked me over and over and then said that we'll see what my estrogen levels are but right now it looks like I've only been on meds for 3 days and he'd rather cancel this cycle and start over with a higher dose.  

WHAT THE HELL???  I can't believe that I didn't even get to the negative pregnancy test.  So, my in-laws shelled out the cash for this cycle just like the did for the last one and this time we didn't even get to make embryos so I don't think they're going to pay for another cycle.  Hahaha, "I don't think".  They're not going to pay for another cycle.  Why should they?  There's no guarantee that it'll work out but not even finishing a cycle and loosing your cash is pretty shitty.  I feel guilty and responsible and I'm considering renaming my reproductive organs "The Money Pit".  That's what they are.

The other thing that upsets me is that when the meds stop I'm going to go back to being the hormonally imbalanced mess that PCOS has made me.  I can take the pill but I'd like to improve my fertility while staying hormonally balanced if possible and not prevent pregnancy but I guess I can't do that.  I also know that in 6 months I'll probably have another polyp and/or fibroid that will need to be removed before I try to make babies at home... which is just totally ridiculous anyway.  Making babies at home the old fashioned way.  LOL.  

I know I should just wait to hear what my estrogen level is but what does it really matter?  My follicles and lining don't look right, so what good is that?

Provera = Bitchy

Howie and I met with Dr. Hotness.  He told me that we should forget about trying Metformin for now.  If it made me sick then why should I force myself to take it?  I guess he's right.  Dr. Hotness said he wanted me to take progesterone for 10 days.  He asked if I'd rather have Provera or Prometrium.  I told him that it didn't matter, I've had both.  He replied, "Well, Prometrium will make you sleepy and the other will make you bitchy.  So which would you rather be, tired or bitchy?"  We both looked over at Howie and he said that he'd rather I be awake so we should go for bitchy.  Yeah, my husband chose bitchy.  So, I'm on Provera and I'm bitchy.  I got all pissed off when my husband brought up my 30th birthday yesterday.  He wasn't even being a jerk, I just got pissed off about my birthday.  I got over it quickly when I started to think about what kind of cake I'd like.  Mmmm!  Cake!!!  Anyway, after I get my period I'll start birth control and we'll see where we go from there.  Dr. Hotness also wants me to get my sweet ass on a diet.  Like a South Beach type of diet.  I don't think naughty cake with delicious buttercream frosting is part of that diet, but pleeeeaasee!  I'm turning 30 and it's not like I'm going to drop 100 lbs in the next 8 days so if I want my cake and I want to eat it too I will.  Ok?  Ok!

I had hoped to start going to the gym before Howie goes to work in the morning but I still haven't done that.  I think that I am exhausted enough to go to bed early tonight and maybe get up early tomorrow morning.  I stayed up late playing The Sims 3 because I'm horribly addicted.  Sims is the only game that I can't stop playing.  Years ago I used to ignore all my basic needs like eating, sleeping and going to the bathroom.  I started to play last night when Howie got home but I did take a break to make dinner and brush Aislinn's hair.  See, I'm doing better.  I even took a bathroom break for myself.  Perhaps I can fight the urge to play again tonight and go to bed early.

It'll be hard skipping all of the great summer tv.  I'm totally addicted to I'm a Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here!  It's trash tv and totally worth watching.  I actually like that asshat, Sanjaya, from American Idol.  He and the fatter Baldwin on the show are the only two that do all the crazy shit they throw at them.  Well, Patti Blagojevich does some crazy stuff too.  I also can't stop watching the train wreck that is Jon & Kate plus 8.  Then there's The Real Housewives of New Jersey, So You Think You Can Dance, Army Wives, Kathy Griffin: My Life on the D List, and I think Psych is coming back soon.  So much tv, so little time.

Speaking of tv, Aislinn is totally focused on Diego which means I can probably get a lot of laundry folded... or I can play Sims 3.  Just kidding.  Laundry time!

My plan of action. Let's hope I take action!

Tomorrow Howie and I are going to meet with Dr. Hotness to talk about maybe getting some Metformin.  Bummer.  I wanted to try bio-identical hormones because it's the only thing I haven't tried yet.  One thing I did try and thought was wonderful was Insulite Systems but there were so many pills that I just couldn't keep up with them.  If anyone out there has PCOS and doesn't mind taking multiple pills 6 times a day then you should try Insulite Systems.  The good thing about taking pills 6 times a day is that it forces you to keep on track with your meals and snacks.  

We'll see if Metformin is a possibility.  I took it years ago to see if it would help with my PCOS but it made me sick.  Not in the same way it seems to make others sick.  When I took Metformin I felt like the room was spinning around me and I was extremely nauseated.  Maybe it had something to do with what I ate with it but I just couldn't handle taking it anymore.  I couldn't work or do anything really.  I've got to do something about my PCOS symptoms because I feel like I'm slowly turning into a man and it has to stop!  I guess I'll just hold on and pretend I'm on some kind of roller coaster until the nausea goes away.  I also need to get a refill for my thyroid medication because I have a hypothyroid.  I suspect that I'll need another hysteroscopy pretty soon.  Dr. Hotness did a hysteroscopy last fall to remove a polyp and a whole mess of lining but during a recent trip to the ER for a painful cyst they told me that I had some polyps and/or fibroids in there.  I just don't keep a clean uterus, what can I say?  It's a mess in there.  

Aside from the Metformin I have to get my butt to the gym on a regular basis again.  I'm thinking about going in the morning before Howie goes to work.  Hahahahaha!!  Me? Get up early?  That's funny!  I could go later in the day with Aislinn but she's not a fan.  I'll be taking Aislinn out for a jogging and swimming plenty this summer so that will help.  I also have a fertility yoga DVD so I need to start doing some yoga.

Perhaps I should start going back to acupuncture.  My acupuncturist and I are friends and she gives me a discount but money is pretty tight right now so I'll have to see if it's possible to squeeze that into the budget again.  I do LOVE going to acupuncture!!  

Hmm, I hear my neighbor who just had a baby on Saturday doing laundry and vacuuming and stuff and here I am still in my jammies.  I really need to close my computer and get something done around here.  I'll see ya'll again soon!