Tales of the Polycystic Ovaries

Umm, there was nothing there, but something should be and might be? Whatever!

Howie and I went to the clinic this morning so that I could get blood work and an ultrasound done.  As we expected there was nothing to see in my uterus.  Dr. What's-her-name (I can never remember) talked to me about how they sometimes have to worry about ectopic pregnancy if they can't see it in the uterus and my hcg level is still high.  Umm... THEY put the embryos in... how would an embryo end up in my tube?  WTF?  I just shook my head and said ok because I didn't expect that that would be something they'd actually continue to consider.  I just wanted to go home and lay down.  Around 1 pm I get a call from Nurse M&M and she told me that she's sorry to hear about the miscarriage, then she told me that my hcg level was 1211 and at that level something should be in there but sometimes it's hard to see before the hcg level reaches 1500.  So, they want me to come in tomorrow morning for more blood work and another ultrasound.  Not that they think Dr. What's-her-name doesn't do a great job with the dildo cam but perhaps a different doctor there might catch something else.  Can we all just agree that Dr. What's-her-name is a  moron, because I've always felt like she was the weak link and I never trust anything she says because she seems like she may have just learned something new from her medical books but doesn't really know a thing.  Maybe that's why I haven't taken the time to learn her name.  Anyway, fine, I'll go in for another probing.  Then she said that after the other doc wands me that we have to come up with a plan as to what to do about this pregnancy.  I might need an injection to clear things out in there.  Well, wait a fucking moment.  I don't think anything is actually alive in there because the whole inside of my uterus fell into the toilet last night, but if by some freak fucking chance something is in there... and not hiking up my fallopian tubes for fun... then why are we killing it?  I mean, if it's hard to see right now maybe we should just watch my hcg levels and see if they increase and then when they get high enough and if I haven't totally had another uterine purge then maybe we can do another scan and see if it has a heartbeat?  My sister knew someone that spent her whole adult life trying to get pregnant then when she did her docs thought she was miscarrying so they had her go in for a d&c and somehow they didn't scrape out the baby and thank God for that because the baby wasn't dead!  She didn't have a miscarriage and she carried the baby to term!!  WTF???  So, I'm not saying this is likely happening to me, but if we're still looking for something and thinking it's hard to see because my level is below 1500 still then why are we even thinking about a shot yet?  Why don't we just watch my hcg level.  If it's dropping then I'll take the crappy shot, but if it's going up then they aren't doing a fucking thing.  I think they're thinking it's growing in my tube but I don't think there's anything in there.  Can't you fucking check for that?  And if I did miscarry then I'm going to ask Dr. Hotness to do some blood tests on me because why the hell do I keep miscarrying and passing loads of blood clots.  My first miscarriage wasn't like that, I just started bleeding like a period.  The last two times I passed giant blood clots for 2 to 3 hours with awful cramps that were like an 8 on a scale of 1 to 10.  After passing the blood clots the bleeding and cramping stops.  It seems weird.  I wanted to go buy a venti pumpkin spice latte when everything went to hell but with all this is the baby in there or not business I decided to hold off on the caffeine injection.  Let's hope there's more info tomorrow but I doubt anything will be more clear.  

Second Beta

I did pee on a stick last night and the line got darker again.  I was feeling pretty good about things last night but when I got up this morning the line had faded to almost as light as the last pee stick.  Ok, it was still darker but I still convinced myself that this pregnancy is doomed.  I went in early this morning for my beta test then came home to get Aislinn up.  Howie slept in because he really needed it.  He was tired and he's been busting his butt around here to help me out.  He doesn't want me to do anything which is really sweet.  Once he was up and awake I went back up to bed.  I was pretty tired but I also figured it would be easier to wait for the call if I was sleeping.  The call came a little after 12 pm.  The nurse said that my hcg level went up nicely, it is 124.  So it doubled.  Yay!  The best news is that I don't have to go in for a third test!!!  I'm so superstitious about the third one so I feel a bit better about that.  Of course I'm not in the clear yet.  I have to schedule my ultrasound on Monday.  Sometime the week of the 21st I can go in.  I could go in on the 21st but I'll be in Boston at a U2 concert with my best friend and won't be home until the 22nd.  So I'll probably schedule it for the 23rd.  If we can get past the ultrasound with things being all good then I might be able to relax a bit more.  Then it's just getting past the 12th week.  

I really wish it was as easy as it is for fertile women.  They pee on a stick and seeing that positive sign is like a guarantee that they're pregnant.  Sure, they might not tell everyone they're pregnant until the second trimester just in case but there isn't the constant fear that at any second you will miscarry.  You don't worry about your beta hcg numbers the same way, you don't worry that you will go in for an ultrasound and find an empty sac.  It would be nice to just instantly enjoy and be excited about a positive pregnancy test.  Oh well, it is what it is.  Right?  Another 7 1/2 weeks of worrying that I'll miscarry and then I can just chill.

I'd write more but I'm so tired that I can't think.  I slept almost the entire day but I'm exhausted.  Off to bed again.

I'm Trying to Chill

Yeah, sorry about yesterday.  I totally flipped out.  Thanks for the comments and encouragement.  I really appreciate it.  I almost feel like expecting the worst is better than expecting the best.  Every time I think things will be ok they aren't.  I'd rather be shocked by good news than shocked by bad.  That's negative, I know, but this method has worked for me in the past.  That's awful.  Howie is being positive for the both of us.  He's good like that.  He says he thinks things are fine this time.

Here's some good news though, my headaches are a sure thing every night and I feel like it might have something to do with Thing 1 & Thing 2.  I also felt like I was going to hurl last night.  I'll make a deal with them, if either of them or both of them just settle in and stick around they can make me as sick as they want.  I was the vomit queen for the the first trimester of my pregnancy with Aislinn and as awful as it was to be grossed out by EVERYTHING I put in my mouth (including and especially saltines which everyone swore would be vomit proof food) it was also very reassuring to have that constant sign of pregnancy.  I'd be happy to vomit my way through the rest of the first trimester if they would just stick around.  

Enough of all this IVF stuff.  Let's talk about Aislinn.  She has started acting out shows that she watches which is pretty cute.  She's also singing songs.  Not just songs that we always sing, but she was at our neighbor's house playing with their Yo Gabba Gabba guitars and she learned the words to the song it sang after listening to it a couple of times.  It was pretty cool.  So cute.  Then she sang "Twinkle Twinkle Little Star" to her little boyfriend, Q.  

Potty training isn't going well.  She hasn't done anything in her potty since the first time.  I asked Aislinn to sit on the potty a few times today but nothing.  I know she's just holding it in.  Ugh.  Hopefully we can make it work soon.  I hate potty training.

I FINALLY ordered her a backpack.  I know, she already had her first day of school and now I'm ordering her a backpack.  I'm a little late on that but it's cute.  I got her the blue flower dot pre-school backpack from PBK.  I know, silly, but I love PBK.  It's a sickness.  I'll have to get into a 12 step program.  It's a cute bag though, isn't it?

I'm feeling the need to go up and nap so I'm going to pop my mid-day cooter shooter and head upstairs.  I love nap time.  It's my snuggle time with Aislinn.  I snuggle her multiple times a day but she's so busy all the time that unless she's asleep she doesn't snuggle too long.  

Waiting

I clearly lied about scanning the pic of the blastocysts.  I mean, it's not here is it?  I blame the printer, it's useless right now and needs to be tinkered with.  Tinkering is so much work.  They pretty much look like a couple of blastocysts right now.  Well, the one on the left side of the picture looks like Howie, it has his curly hair.  And the one on the right looks like me, it has my smile.  Just kidding.  By the way, right now we are referring to them as Thing 1 and Thing 2.  I think we read too much Dr. Seuss around here.

So, I pretty much laid on the couch and played Sims 3, ate, slept & popped cooter shooters until Friday.  Well, I still have to pop cooter shooters but since Aislinn came back on Friday I have been sleeping and playing Sims a lot less.  I'm sooooo glad to have her back home!!!  We missed her so much.  Howie got some stuff done while we were living toddler free.  He painted the bathroom ceiling, he painted the other bathroom wall that was patched up, painted the trim in the kitchen, painted the front door and all the other new doors in the house, painted a patch job in our bedroom (we had a lot of work done in spring so there's all these patch jobs here and there that we needed to paint), he replaced some switches in the house and I'm sure there's something I'm forgetting but he did stuff.  Yesterday afternoon certain smells started to bother me.  I'm not blaming this on any sort of pregnancy symptoms because it would be waaaaaaay too early for that.  I'm thinking it's the side effect of one of the meds or something.  Who knows.  I gave Aislinn some cheese and crackers a couple of days ago and the cheese started to gross me out.  The smell of it was awful!  Then Howie cooked some scallops yesterday and I've never liked scallops but the smell totally grossed me out way more than usual.  I made noodles with butter and parmesan cheese for Aislinn which I normally love, but again the cheese was grossing me out.  Bleh.  

Oddly enough I'm not going crazy (yet) waiting for my first beta test on Thursday.  I'm trying to wait to pee on a stick until Wednesday morning but I'd really like to pee on a stick tomorrow morning.  But then if it's negative I'll go nuts and the next few days will be awful.  Somehow I've remained calm.  Hmm.  Now that I'm thinking about it and writing about it I'm starting to get a little crazy in my head.  I guess that's why I avoid this.  I really don't know what to expect.  I guess the best thing to do is to try not to expect anything.  Or let myself want it too much.  I've just kind of shut the whole idea out of my head because on one hand this cycle has gone pretty well and part of me wants to just relax a bit and think that maybe that's all a good sign.  But on the other hand I know that it doesn't matter how great things look, sometimes it just doesn't work out.  A LOT of the time it doesn't work out.  There's no rhyme or reason to any of this, I'm sure of it.  Here's the thing though.  I absolutely want to have more kids and sure it's unfair that there are people out there that should never ever be around children and yet they can easily conceive and carry a baby to term and I can't and all those other women out there that struggle with infertility can't.  But really, my life could be worse.  (I'm only speaking for myself right now, not the other women struggling with infertility.  Just talking about myself.)  I have a beautiful daughter and I did get to experience pregnancy.  Aside from PCOS, I'm healthy and I'm here with my family.  I mean, I just found out that someone close to me has breast cancer and I guess my whole situation doesn't seem all that bad right now.  I just have to put things in perspective.  If I'm pregnant that's beyond wonderful and I will be so grateful, but if I'm not pregnant I'll be ok.  Because the truth is, if I had a choice of who was going to get good news and who was going to be getting the bad news I'd rather be the one getting the bad news so that this person that I love didn't have to have breast cancer.  Life just doesn't work that way though.

Pre-embryo Transfer Anxiety

I don't feel totally anxious but I must be anxious because there's no toddler in the house and I woke up at 6 am after I spent most of the night tossing and turning just waiting for today to come so I could just go get this transfer done!

I got up to shower, shave, do a quick half-assed pedicure, and then I came downstairs to watch some tv.  It seems that all of the good morning shows are on around 9 am or so because I'm stuck watching Good Morning America.  Something about this show makes me feel like my mother and by that I mean it makes me feel old-ish.  I guess I should blame that on Diane Sawyer because every time I see her I think of 60 Minutes, then I think Andy Rooney and I think of how boring the show is even though it's a huge deal.  Snooze.  It's ok, you can totally disagree and hate me for being bored to tears by Diane Sawyer and 60 Minutes.  I don't care.  Anyway, apparently Whitney Houston is going to be on Good Morning America tomorrow.  Does she have a new CD?  Did she put down the crack pipe long enough to make a decent album?  I miss old Whitney and I wish her all the best.  Is she still with that loser, Bobby?  I can't keep track of her shenanigans.  I mean, she hasn't even been on TMZ recently so I thought we were over her but I guess not.

Ok, that has nothing to do with anything at all.  I'm clearly trying to avoid thinking about the transfer.  See, when I think about it I kinda say to myself, 12 embryos is awesome, 11 grade 1 embryos is super awesome, this is awesome! It'll be fine! You made it to DAY 5!!! Then negative Amy starts talking, Pfffft, you're excited because for a second it looked good?  That's exactly when it goes wrong!  And maybe it was going to go well until you started thinking that it was all good and that kinda thinking just  jinxed it.  You can't just think you know what's coming or have faith that it'll be good because every time you do that things go all wrong!  So just stop thinking! STOP! Eh! Eh! Stop it!! And then a bunch of people come in and strap me into a straight jacket because I'm clearly nuts.  I also bought a feng shui book a couple of weeks ago and our bathroom is in our "Children and Creativity" area and I noticed that it was all kinds of messy this morning.  I mean, if it's a mess things could go wrong!  If my husbands dirty underwear is just laying on the floor and the trash is full then it'll totally ruin our chances of having babies!  They'll probably call us in an hour and be like, "don't bother coming in, there's nothing left" and I'll know it's because the bathroom was a mess.  I should also clean the toilet!  I also need to make sure there aren't any triangles in there.  Triangles in your baby making place are bad!  My other concern is not peeing on the doc.  I did this twice in VA at our old clinic, once for Aislinn's IVF transfer and then a little over a year ago for a frozen embryo transfer and their policy is come with a moderately full bladder so that you can lay there for 20 more minutes without peeing everywhere.  My new clinic wants me to show up with an "uncomfortably" full bladder and they'll do an ultrasound to check and if they don't think you're uncomfortable enough yet you have to drink more water.  We did this with them last November and I came with an uncomfortably full bladder because I was concerned about not passing their test before the transfer and I could barely keep myself from peeing before the embryos were brought in.  Like as soon as the doc left I told the nurse that I couldn't wait even 60 seconds, I had to pee so I had to pee in a bed pan which was just awful.  Here's the thing, for me moderately full is full as hell for me.  I have a pea sized bladder and I have never been able to hold my pee long, and after having been pregnant I have no control over it at all now.  I mean, I pee when I sneeze so common!  I'm thinking of just lying to them and being all like, "OMG I have to peeeeeeee!!!" when I'm just moderately full.  I'm kinda hoping that they'll let me bring in my iPod so that I can watch a movie once their done because by some miracle I can hold it for hours if I am watching TV, movies or playing The Sims.  So, if I can just watch a movie I'll ignore my needs just fine and be able to wait 20 minutes more.

Oh, you know, I should really talk more about my daughter who actually does exist and breathe rather than these embryos all the time.  I mean, she is pretty awesome too.  So, turns out she had Roseola or whatever.  It's crazy.  It's basically a 3 day fever and then 24 hours after the fever is gone your kid breaks out in this hideous rash that makes them look more sickly than the fever ever did but they're actually technically not sick anymore at this point but it does make then a whole lot of bitchy.  Boy, did she have an attitude yesterday when she woke up covered in red spots and blotchiness.  I brought her to the doc thinking things were going bad again and because I totally love giving them my money in return for more info about how she's totally fine and it'll be over soon.  Just chill the fuck out, she's fine!  I usually don't bring her to the doc every time she coughs, has a runny nose or has a fever because I know that she'll be fine but with her going to NJ for most of the week while I rest and her starting pre-school next week I was just spastic and hoping that she wasn't going to come down with something awful.  I also thought the doctor had a magic wand that could fix your kid if you had some big stuff coming up but there's no such wand. 

Well, I'm just boring all of you to death out there.  I'm using this blog and my readers to just kill time and keep my mind off of the transfer and it's just not that interesting for you anymore, now is it?  It's ok, you won't hurt my feelings.  I know that this is boring for you.  I'll write later and update you on the transfer and all that.  Wish me luck and stuff.

"That's what you get for calling your body a piece of $*#@ money pit"

That's what my friend, Miss L (Can I refer to you as Miss L, hon?) said when she called me back this morning after getting my text about the embryo report.  Nurse M&M called about an hour ago and said, "I have good news."  Good news?  What's that?  She said that out of the 17 eggs retrieved yesterday 15 of them were mature enough for fertilization and of those 12 of them fertilized normally!!  I HAVE TWELVE EMBRYOS!!!  My body showed me!  I have to go back and check but I'm very sure I didn't even have 12 eggs retrieved when doing the IVF cycle that Aislinn was conceived.  TWELVE EMBRYOS!!!  Nurse M&M explained that this makes me a good candidate for a day 5 blastocyst transfer, which we wanted, but they wouldn't be able to come in on Tuesday yet.  They might call tomorrow but if not then they'd call me back first thing on Sunday morning.  Holy cow!  12 EMBRYOS!!!  Ok, enough celebrating.  I can't let it get to my head.  This is good news but it doesn't mean that everything else will turn out the way that we hope, so I'm going to just take it one day at a time.  

As for me physically, I was sooooooo unbelievably uncomfortable last night.  I felt so bloated and it felt like my belly was distended.  The good thing was that I could still pee because I guess when you can't be then you have severe OHSS, but as uncomfortable as it was it was only a sign of mild OHSS.  I think it was just gas.  I was up all night peeing because I kept drinking Gatorade to make sure that I could still pee.  By the time the sun came up I was feeling much better.  Now I'm only mildly uncomfortable which actually feels great after what I experienced last night.  

Because it was suggested that I sleep on an incline while feeling so horribly bloated I slept on the couch and Aislinn slept with me since she was sick and felt like she was on fire.  She woke up at 5 am crying so Howie, who slept in the chair next to us (poor Howie), and I got up and changed her diaper together because she was freaking out about having her soaking wet diaper changed and I didn't want to get kicked in my bloated belly.  She then asked for applesauce and water and a popsicle.  LOL.  After that she snuggled back up with Howie and we all went back to sleep on the couch.  She woke up in a good mood, still a bit warm, but happily eating crackers and apple juice.  I think she'll be fine tonight and hopefully will sleep in her own room.

Eggs!

As scheduled, I went in for my egg retrieval this morning.  They had a good time trying to find a vein.  They poked me 3 times before they got it to work.  I don't blame them, it's the same thing every time someone has to tap a vein in my arms so I know it's me.  I try to have a good sense of humor about it.  All went well and they got out 17 eggs!  Woohooo! Ok, that's as excited as I'm going to get.  No more celebrating until we know how many of them were mature enough for fertilization... and how many embryos there are.  So, I'll know more tomorrow.  But so far so good, right?  I have scheduled an acupuncture appointment for before and after the embryo transfer to hopefully improve my chances of the embryos sticking.  It'll be nice and relaxing.

I am very uncomfortably bloated and tired so I took a nap with Aislinn this afternoon.  After we woke up she was snuggling with me and watching tv when she suddenly threw up.  That's when I noticed she was a bit warm.  Howie called the doctor's office because she had told him earlier that her tummy hurt and she had only eaten half a waffle all day.  We left without taking her temp because we figured they'd just do that there.  They took her temp, but under her arm and not well because they said it was normal and Howie was like, "but she's burning up".  Then the doc said she seemed warm when she was checking her.  We checked her temp when we got home and she had a fever of 100.7.  Just a slight fever, but she looked red and worn out.  We gave her some tylenol and she was a new baby.  She ate a waffle, some cheese, 2 pedialyte popsicles, water and chicken soup.  She is attached to me at the moment so I think the two of us are going to sleep on the couch tonight.  Hopefully we'll wake up to some good news tomorrow.

Update and more...

Here's a quick recap of what I've been up to since my last post:

Went batshit crazy on Provera.  STAY AWAY FROM PROVERA!

Turned 30.  Had kick ass party.  Got drunk.  Happy 3-0 to me!

Went on birth control and the bitch monster that I was went away.  Happy and level again.

Had a great 4th of July.

Went to various carnivals and ate too much fried dough with powdered sugar.  Mmmmm!!

Went on South Beach diet and lost 4 lbs in 4 days.  Got lazy again.

Had polyp and fibroid removed from uterus.

Started Lupron while still on birth control in preparation for IVF cycle.

Went to Lancaster, PA with Howie, Aislinn & in-laws for a weekend.

Went camping in Cape Cod with Howie, Aislinn & my sister, brother-in-law & niece!  It rocked and I wish we could have stayed longer.

Started hardcore fertility meds and all was going well...

That catches us up to now.  We were expecting that I should have been ready to trigger tonight or tomorrow but went in this morning and how strange... my uterine lining went from type 1 to type 2 which is no good.  Need to be type 1.  My follicles, not doing a thing.  Lazy fucking ovaries!!!  Dr. Hotness checked me over and over and then said that we'll see what my estrogen levels are but right now it looks like I've only been on meds for 3 days and he'd rather cancel this cycle and start over with a higher dose.  

WHAT THE HELL???  I can't believe that I didn't even get to the negative pregnancy test.  So, my in-laws shelled out the cash for this cycle just like the did for the last one and this time we didn't even get to make embryos so I don't think they're going to pay for another cycle.  Hahaha, "I don't think".  They're not going to pay for another cycle.  Why should they?  There's no guarantee that it'll work out but not even finishing a cycle and loosing your cash is pretty shitty.  I feel guilty and responsible and I'm considering renaming my reproductive organs "The Money Pit".  That's what they are.

The other thing that upsets me is that when the meds stop I'm going to go back to being the hormonally imbalanced mess that PCOS has made me.  I can take the pill but I'd like to improve my fertility while staying hormonally balanced if possible and not prevent pregnancy but I guess I can't do that.  I also know that in 6 months I'll probably have another polyp and/or fibroid that will need to be removed before I try to make babies at home... which is just totally ridiculous anyway.  Making babies at home the old fashioned way.  LOL.  

I know I should just wait to hear what my estrogen level is but what does it really matter?  My follicles and lining don't look right, so what good is that?

Provera = Bitchy

Howie and I met with Dr. Hotness.  He told me that we should forget about trying Metformin for now.  If it made me sick then why should I force myself to take it?  I guess he's right.  Dr. Hotness said he wanted me to take progesterone for 10 days.  He asked if I'd rather have Provera or Prometrium.  I told him that it didn't matter, I've had both.  He replied, "Well, Prometrium will make you sleepy and the other will make you bitchy.  So which would you rather be, tired or bitchy?"  We both looked over at Howie and he said that he'd rather I be awake so we should go for bitchy.  Yeah, my husband chose bitchy.  So, I'm on Provera and I'm bitchy.  I got all pissed off when my husband brought up my 30th birthday yesterday.  He wasn't even being a jerk, I just got pissed off about my birthday.  I got over it quickly when I started to think about what kind of cake I'd like.  Mmmm!  Cake!!!  Anyway, after I get my period I'll start birth control and we'll see where we go from there.  Dr. Hotness also wants me to get my sweet ass on a diet.  Like a South Beach type of diet.  I don't think naughty cake with delicious buttercream frosting is part of that diet, but pleeeeaasee!  I'm turning 30 and it's not like I'm going to drop 100 lbs in the next 8 days so if I want my cake and I want to eat it too I will.  Ok?  Ok!

I had hoped to start going to the gym before Howie goes to work in the morning but I still haven't done that.  I think that I am exhausted enough to go to bed early tonight and maybe get up early tomorrow morning.  I stayed up late playing The Sims 3 because I'm horribly addicted.  Sims is the only game that I can't stop playing.  Years ago I used to ignore all my basic needs like eating, sleeping and going to the bathroom.  I started to play last night when Howie got home but I did take a break to make dinner and brush Aislinn's hair.  See, I'm doing better.  I even took a bathroom break for myself.  Perhaps I can fight the urge to play again tonight and go to bed early.

It'll be hard skipping all of the great summer tv.  I'm totally addicted to I'm a Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here!  It's trash tv and totally worth watching.  I actually like that asshat, Sanjaya, from American Idol.  He and the fatter Baldwin on the show are the only two that do all the crazy shit they throw at them.  Well, Patti Blagojevich does some crazy stuff too.  I also can't stop watching the train wreck that is Jon & Kate plus 8.  Then there's The Real Housewives of New Jersey, So You Think You Can Dance, Army Wives, Kathy Griffin: My Life on the D List, and I think Psych is coming back soon.  So much tv, so little time.

Speaking of tv, Aislinn is totally focused on Diego which means I can probably get a lot of laundry folded... or I can play Sims 3.  Just kidding.  Laundry time!

Hello!

Hello everyone!  Welcome to my blog.  This blog is about my life with PCOS.  I found out that I had PCOS in the spring of 2005 after my husband and I tried for a year to conceive on our own, but the signs and symptoms were there long before I knew what it was.  Since 2005 I have had two miscarriages, 3 IUIs, 2 IVF cycles and 1 frozen embryo transfer and one absolutely perfect baby girl!  Aislinn (pronounced Ash-lynn) was born on January 29, 2007.  She keeps me busy and I am crazy about her.  You'll be hearing a lot about her.  Besides fertility treatments I've tried dieting, exercising, herbs, supplements and acupuncture to help control the symptoms of PCOS.  I'm still trying to eat well and exercise to take off some of the weight that I've gained.  Soon I'll be headed back to see my fertility doc to see about getting some Metformin... ugh.  More of that to come later.

There's more to me than PCOS and you'll find that out all in good time, I swear.