Tales of the Polycystic Ovaries

Not OK

I miscarried, as you all know, but besides that someone very close to me has breast cancer.  Let's just call her Sophia.  Anyone out there who knows Sophia there's a reason I call her that.  There's a joke we used to have and it makes sense for that to be her code name here on my blog.  Anyway, Sophia had a mastectomy yesterday morning.  Her breast cancer is more upsetting to me than my miscarriage.  I kinda thought the miscarriage would happen this time anyway.  Ugh.  Not that the miscarriage isn't awful, because it's always awful, but it's not as awful as cancer.  I've been cleaning and cooking and cleaning and cleaning and cooking.  Anything I can do to keep my mind off of Sophia's breast cancer.  Or maybe just to keep me busy so that I don't sit still and think about it.  Her breast cancer is stage two and they don't believe it has spread to her lymph nodes so that's good.  Things are never 100% again though, are they?  She was in good spirits and all until last Wednesday when she finally cried about it and since then I've been a mess.  Well, before that I was barely sleeping but once she cried that was it.  She's always strong when things aren't right.  I kind of depend on her for that and right now she can't be.  She is entitled to a break down every once in a while, right?  Of course.  We all are.  I just don't know what to do with myself.  I've been cleaning and cooking and all that so that I'm just exhausted at the end of the day in hopes that I'll just fall asleep but I still can't.  She doesn't want pink ribbons and absolutely doesn't want anyone walking for her.  She doesn't want anyone talking about it when she's not there.  Nobody is following that rule.  She is letting me stay with her for a few days next week to help out.  That makes me feel a little bit better.  I don't know how to sort out my feelings right now.  Some days I feel ok, others I don't.  I don't know what the right thing to say or do is.  I don't know what to do when the bad stuff is happening to someone else and not to me.  I feel helpless and I hate watching her go through this.  I just want her to be ok.  I wish there was more I could do.

As for me and my faulty reproductive organs, Dr. Hotness is going to have me do some tests before we do anything with frosty.  He doesn't think that we will find anything.  He still thinks I capable of getting and staying pregnant.  I don't know if I think that's possible, but no baby is going to want to be in my tired stressed out body right now so I'm going to have to start managing that.  Depending on the results of the tests and our bank account, we would probably wait until after the new year before doing a frozen cycle.  I also need to lose some weight... during the holiday season.  It'll be fun.

Aislinn is really enjoying school.  Too bad it's just 2 days a week right now.  She's having so much fun.  Potty training wasn't going so well but out of nowhere she asked to sit on the big potty yesterday.  She tired 3 times, didn't pee or poop at all, but at least she tried and asked to try.  Same thing today, but hasn't actually done anything in the potty.  That's ok though, at least she wants to try.  What more can I ask?  

Umm, there was nothing there, but something should be and might be? Whatever!

Howie and I went to the clinic this morning so that I could get blood work and an ultrasound done.  As we expected there was nothing to see in my uterus.  Dr. What's-her-name (I can never remember) talked to me about how they sometimes have to worry about ectopic pregnancy if they can't see it in the uterus and my hcg level is still high.  Umm... THEY put the embryos in... how would an embryo end up in my tube?  WTF?  I just shook my head and said ok because I didn't expect that that would be something they'd actually continue to consider.  I just wanted to go home and lay down.  Around 1 pm I get a call from Nurse M&M and she told me that she's sorry to hear about the miscarriage, then she told me that my hcg level was 1211 and at that level something should be in there but sometimes it's hard to see before the hcg level reaches 1500.  So, they want me to come in tomorrow morning for more blood work and another ultrasound.  Not that they think Dr. What's-her-name doesn't do a great job with the dildo cam but perhaps a different doctor there might catch something else.  Can we all just agree that Dr. What's-her-name is a  moron, because I've always felt like she was the weak link and I never trust anything she says because she seems like she may have just learned something new from her medical books but doesn't really know a thing.  Maybe that's why I haven't taken the time to learn her name.  Anyway, fine, I'll go in for another probing.  Then she said that after the other doc wands me that we have to come up with a plan as to what to do about this pregnancy.  I might need an injection to clear things out in there.  Well, wait a fucking moment.  I don't think anything is actually alive in there because the whole inside of my uterus fell into the toilet last night, but if by some freak fucking chance something is in there... and not hiking up my fallopian tubes for fun... then why are we killing it?  I mean, if it's hard to see right now maybe we should just watch my hcg levels and see if they increase and then when they get high enough and if I haven't totally had another uterine purge then maybe we can do another scan and see if it has a heartbeat?  My sister knew someone that spent her whole adult life trying to get pregnant then when she did her docs thought she was miscarrying so they had her go in for a d&c and somehow they didn't scrape out the baby and thank God for that because the baby wasn't dead!  She didn't have a miscarriage and she carried the baby to term!!  WTF???  So, I'm not saying this is likely happening to me, but if we're still looking for something and thinking it's hard to see because my level is below 1500 still then why are we even thinking about a shot yet?  Why don't we just watch my hcg level.  If it's dropping then I'll take the crappy shot, but if it's going up then they aren't doing a fucking thing.  I think they're thinking it's growing in my tube but I don't think there's anything in there.  Can't you fucking check for that?  And if I did miscarry then I'm going to ask Dr. Hotness to do some blood tests on me because why the hell do I keep miscarrying and passing loads of blood clots.  My first miscarriage wasn't like that, I just started bleeding like a period.  The last two times I passed giant blood clots for 2 to 3 hours with awful cramps that were like an 8 on a scale of 1 to 10.  After passing the blood clots the bleeding and cramping stops.  It seems weird.  I wanted to go buy a venti pumpkin spice latte when everything went to hell but with all this is the baby in there or not business I decided to hold off on the caffeine injection.  Let's hope there's more info tomorrow but I doubt anything will be more clear.  

Thing 1 & Thing 2 are no more

It's pretty much over now.  This afternoon I miscarried.  No warning cramps or anything.  I just simply went to the bathroom to pee and there it was, blood everywhere.  Then the cramping started like 60 seconds later.  So, that's the end of Thing 1 & Thing 2.  This time I kind of feel numb.  I guess I expected it after the low hcg levels.  I was just waiting for this to happen.  I was surprised by each day that passed without any sign of miscarriage so somehow this time it hurts a little less than the last two times.  Maybe it just hasn't hit me yet.  I was instantly devastated when I miscarried before, but those two times I was sure everything was fine too.  There was no surprise this time.  The only thing that makes me sad is that Aislinn was so excited about having a baby in the house.  I probably shouldn't have told her so early but we were just trying to explain to her why she couldn't jump on my back or jump on me at all anymore.  She told me that when the baby came home she wanted to give baby her favorite green blanket and that baby could sleep in her crib.  It was really sweet.  She just said these things on her own.  She's so cute.  I of course also feel bad for Howie.  I know he's worried about me and he looks sad too.  Other than feeling bad for Howie and feeling bad about not being able to give Aislinn and sister or brother, I really feel nothing right now.  I'm numb.  Totally numb.

Second Beta

I did pee on a stick last night and the line got darker again.  I was feeling pretty good about things last night but when I got up this morning the line had faded to almost as light as the last pee stick.  Ok, it was still darker but I still convinced myself that this pregnancy is doomed.  I went in early this morning for my beta test then came home to get Aislinn up.  Howie slept in because he really needed it.  He was tired and he's been busting his butt around here to help me out.  He doesn't want me to do anything which is really sweet.  Once he was up and awake I went back up to bed.  I was pretty tired but I also figured it would be easier to wait for the call if I was sleeping.  The call came a little after 12 pm.  The nurse said that my hcg level went up nicely, it is 124.  So it doubled.  Yay!  The best news is that I don't have to go in for a third test!!!  I'm so superstitious about the third one so I feel a bit better about that.  Of course I'm not in the clear yet.  I have to schedule my ultrasound on Monday.  Sometime the week of the 21st I can go in.  I could go in on the 21st but I'll be in Boston at a U2 concert with my best friend and won't be home until the 22nd.  So I'll probably schedule it for the 23rd.  If we can get past the ultrasound with things being all good then I might be able to relax a bit more.  Then it's just getting past the 12th week.  

I really wish it was as easy as it is for fertile women.  They pee on a stick and seeing that positive sign is like a guarantee that they're pregnant.  Sure, they might not tell everyone they're pregnant until the second trimester just in case but there isn't the constant fear that at any second you will miscarry.  You don't worry about your beta hcg numbers the same way, you don't worry that you will go in for an ultrasound and find an empty sac.  It would be nice to just instantly enjoy and be excited about a positive pregnancy test.  Oh well, it is what it is.  Right?  Another 7 1/2 weeks of worrying that I'll miscarry and then I can just chill.

I'd write more but I'm so tired that I can't think.  I slept almost the entire day but I'm exhausted.  Off to bed again.

I'm Trying to Chill

Yeah, sorry about yesterday.  I totally flipped out.  Thanks for the comments and encouragement.  I really appreciate it.  I almost feel like expecting the worst is better than expecting the best.  Every time I think things will be ok they aren't.  I'd rather be shocked by good news than shocked by bad.  That's negative, I know, but this method has worked for me in the past.  That's awful.  Howie is being positive for the both of us.  He's good like that.  He says he thinks things are fine this time.

Here's some good news though, my headaches are a sure thing every night and I feel like it might have something to do with Thing 1 & Thing 2.  I also felt like I was going to hurl last night.  I'll make a deal with them, if either of them or both of them just settle in and stick around they can make me as sick as they want.  I was the vomit queen for the the first trimester of my pregnancy with Aislinn and as awful as it was to be grossed out by EVERYTHING I put in my mouth (including and especially saltines which everyone swore would be vomit proof food) it was also very reassuring to have that constant sign of pregnancy.  I'd be happy to vomit my way through the rest of the first trimester if they would just stick around.  

Enough of all this IVF stuff.  Let's talk about Aislinn.  She has started acting out shows that she watches which is pretty cute.  She's also singing songs.  Not just songs that we always sing, but she was at our neighbor's house playing with their Yo Gabba Gabba guitars and she learned the words to the song it sang after listening to it a couple of times.  It was pretty cool.  So cute.  Then she sang "Twinkle Twinkle Little Star" to her little boyfriend, Q.  

Potty training isn't going well.  She hasn't done anything in her potty since the first time.  I asked Aislinn to sit on the potty a few times today but nothing.  I know she's just holding it in.  Ugh.  Hopefully we can make it work soon.  I hate potty training.

I FINALLY ordered her a backpack.  I know, she already had her first day of school and now I'm ordering her a backpack.  I'm a little late on that but it's cute.  I got her the blue flower dot pre-school backpack from PBK.  I know, silly, but I love PBK.  It's a sickness.  I'll have to get into a 12 step program.  It's a cute bag though, isn't it?

I'm feeling the need to go up and nap so I'm going to pop my mid-day cooter shooter and head upstairs.  I love nap time.  It's my snuggle time with Aislinn.  I snuggle her multiple times a day but she's so busy all the time that unless she's asleep she doesn't snuggle too long.  

Crappy Good News

OK people, I'm holding out on you.  I totally peed on a stick on Monday night after I posted.  I couldn't wait and I was hoping that maybe if it was positive then it would give me something to be happy about.  Anyway, I peed on the only stick I had left and when I didn't instantly see a line I was let down.  Then I sat there with the pee stick and thought I might see something.  It was so faint that I thought I was making myself see something that wasn't there.  I kept looking and looking and looking and after a while I was sure that it was there.  It was faint and I had to hold it under the light of a thousand suns to see it but the line was there.  So, I left it alone because like I said, it was the last pee stick in the house and I was trying to talk myself out of spending the money on more pee sticks.  Of course I woke up this morning, before my beta test and held my morning pee while I raced over to CVS to buy more pee sticks.  Serioiusly, before my blood test I did this.  I drove back the house and peed on the stick and it took a while but there it was, the line!  It was there, and it was slightly darker than before.  I was disappointed that it wasn't darker but I was also just happy that I could see it in low lighting.  I went off to the clinic for my beta test but had to stop to get gas ahead of time.  At this point I'm thinking crazy things, like 'I went to this same gas station before I went in for my beta test last year when I came home and started bleeding'.  I started to think that stopping there was bad luck.  I'm crazy, I know, but you get that way after too many shitty heart breaks.  When I get to the clinic I confess that I cheated and tested at home and that it was positive.  They tell me that I can stop my low dose asprin and that they'll call me later with my level.  Ok, so I feel slightly more calm but not totally because positive home pregnancy test or not, if my level is low it's no good.  So around 1 pm Dr. Hotness calls and says "Good News!!" and I say, "Yeah?" and then pauses and asks as if he's irritated, "Did you already know or something?" and I said, "Well, sort of. I tested at home but it was a faint line so I don't know."  I feel like I'm in trouble or something and he says, "We'll your hcg level is 61 and we like to see it above a 50 so that's good."  I write the disappointing 61 down on my pad and pretend to be excited as he tells me they just want to see me back on Saturday morning for another beta test.  I don't remember much after that.  61, I mean, I know that people get numbers like that and actually end up giving birth to a real live baby in the end, but me?  Not likely, sister.  The first time I got pregnant my hormone level was 58.  I went in again (also on a Saturday) and it doubled, great.  I went in again on a Monday and got a call from the doc.  She said she was sorry but my level went down and that I was going to miscarry.  I'm just waiting for it again.  61 today, maybe 122 if I'm lucky on Saturday and then something shitty like 74 on Monday maybe?  I know, I know, everyone says to be positive but when I was pregnant with Aislinn I had to test a couple of days early because we were going away on a cruise and my level then was 308.  When they transferred ONE frozen embryo into my polyp-studded-womb a year ago my first beta test came back with a 613 or something crazy like that.  So, here I am after having 2 blastocysts transferred and my level is 61?  Uh, for me this is no good.  I am almost 100% sure of it.  Go ahead body, make me eat my words and actually carry this baby to term.  Prove me wrong, but I bet I'm not wrong.  So, it's "good news", kinda, but I'm preparing myself for the shitty news because it's likely to come.

My Baby is in Pre-School!!

Today was Aislinn's first day of school.  Well, each kid met with their teacher one on one today.  She got to check out the classroom and the toys and the playground.  She like it so much she cried when we left and then cried some more when we got home.  She said she wants to go back so that's a good thing.  I can't believe she's already in pre-school!!  She still seems like a baby to me.  I mean, didn't I just give birth to her?  Oh, that was 2 1/2 years ago?  Oooooh!  Still, she's a baby and she's going to school!!  I'm glad that she likes it but let's see how she does on Monday when she's there for an hour with the other kids and without me.  I think she'll be ok. 

I think Thing 1 and/or Thing 2 are settling in.  I could be wrong but I've been crazy tired and the past few days I've had awful headaches so something is going on.  Or maybe I'm just driving myself absolutely crazy!  I guess we'll know tomorrow.  I'm not as worried about the 1st beta test as I am about the 3rd one if I even get that far.  The first time I was pregnant it was the 3rd beta test that they called to tell me my numbers were dropping and that I would miscarry.  Then last year things were fine until I came back home after going in for my 3rd beta test and started bleeding heavily.  When I got pregnant with Aislinn I just had the first test, then we went on a cruise and when I came back my 2nd test showed good numbers so they didn't have me come in for a 3rd test.  I really feel like the 3rd test is bad luck!!!  I don't want to go for a 3rd test if the 1st and 2nd go well but what can you do?

For now I need to go rest my aching head because I need to get up bright and early for my beta test.  Fingers crossed for me!

Waiting

I clearly lied about scanning the pic of the blastocysts.  I mean, it's not here is it?  I blame the printer, it's useless right now and needs to be tinkered with.  Tinkering is so much work.  They pretty much look like a couple of blastocysts right now.  Well, the one on the left side of the picture looks like Howie, it has his curly hair.  And the one on the right looks like me, it has my smile.  Just kidding.  By the way, right now we are referring to them as Thing 1 and Thing 2.  I think we read too much Dr. Seuss around here.

So, I pretty much laid on the couch and played Sims 3, ate, slept & popped cooter shooters until Friday.  Well, I still have to pop cooter shooters but since Aislinn came back on Friday I have been sleeping and playing Sims a lot less.  I'm sooooo glad to have her back home!!!  We missed her so much.  Howie got some stuff done while we were living toddler free.  He painted the bathroom ceiling, he painted the other bathroom wall that was patched up, painted the trim in the kitchen, painted the front door and all the other new doors in the house, painted a patch job in our bedroom (we had a lot of work done in spring so there's all these patch jobs here and there that we needed to paint), he replaced some switches in the house and I'm sure there's something I'm forgetting but he did stuff.  Yesterday afternoon certain smells started to bother me.  I'm not blaming this on any sort of pregnancy symptoms because it would be waaaaaaay too early for that.  I'm thinking it's the side effect of one of the meds or something.  Who knows.  I gave Aislinn some cheese and crackers a couple of days ago and the cheese started to gross me out.  The smell of it was awful!  Then Howie cooked some scallops yesterday and I've never liked scallops but the smell totally grossed me out way more than usual.  I made noodles with butter and parmesan cheese for Aislinn which I normally love, but again the cheese was grossing me out.  Bleh.  

Oddly enough I'm not going crazy (yet) waiting for my first beta test on Thursday.  I'm trying to wait to pee on a stick until Wednesday morning but I'd really like to pee on a stick tomorrow morning.  But then if it's negative I'll go nuts and the next few days will be awful.  Somehow I've remained calm.  Hmm.  Now that I'm thinking about it and writing about it I'm starting to get a little crazy in my head.  I guess that's why I avoid this.  I really don't know what to expect.  I guess the best thing to do is to try not to expect anything.  Or let myself want it too much.  I've just kind of shut the whole idea out of my head because on one hand this cycle has gone pretty well and part of me wants to just relax a bit and think that maybe that's all a good sign.  But on the other hand I know that it doesn't matter how great things look, sometimes it just doesn't work out.  A LOT of the time it doesn't work out.  There's no rhyme or reason to any of this, I'm sure of it.  Here's the thing though.  I absolutely want to have more kids and sure it's unfair that there are people out there that should never ever be around children and yet they can easily conceive and carry a baby to term and I can't and all those other women out there that struggle with infertility can't.  But really, my life could be worse.  (I'm only speaking for myself right now, not the other women struggling with infertility.  Just talking about myself.)  I have a beautiful daughter and I did get to experience pregnancy.  Aside from PCOS, I'm healthy and I'm here with my family.  I mean, I just found out that someone close to me has breast cancer and I guess my whole situation doesn't seem all that bad right now.  I just have to put things in perspective.  If I'm pregnant that's beyond wonderful and I will be so grateful, but if I'm not pregnant I'll be ok.  Because the truth is, if I had a choice of who was going to get good news and who was going to be getting the bad news I'd rather be the one getting the bad news so that this person that I love didn't have to have breast cancer.  Life just doesn't work that way though.

Transfer Complete

They're in there.  I will scan the pic later.  I went for acupuncture at the clinic first.  First there was acupuncture then some acupressure and then the acupuncturist gave me some quiet time alone to drink some water.  At this point I was starting to kind of feel like I might need to pee because of the Gatorade I drank 30 minutes before we left home.  I shouldn't have done that.  Anyway, I slowly drank my first 16 oz. bottle of water and by the time she returned to give me a back massage before walking me to the room for the transfer I told her that I had to pee so much that I wouldn't make it through the transfer.  I was going to pee right there in about 30 more seconds.  She asked if it was painful and I said YES YES YES!!  So she told me I could go pee "just a little bit".  People, I know my small bladder.  I knew how much I drank.  I went to the bathroom and peed until I couldn't pee no more because I was absolutely certain that event though it was 2:10 and my transfer was scheduled for 2:20 my bladder would be full again when they checked it.  By the time I got my purse from the acupuncture room and walked up stairs to the transfer room I had to pee again.  All went well.  7 were left, all were good but 2 were super awesome.  We put those two in.  The acupuncturist came in after they were done and then I relaxed for another 10 minutes and left.  It went very well.  Yay!!  I'll post the pic of my beautiful little blastocysts later.  right now I need to sleep.  Gotta take care of Thing 1 & Thing 2.

Pre-embryo Transfer Anxiety

I don't feel totally anxious but I must be anxious because there's no toddler in the house and I woke up at 6 am after I spent most of the night tossing and turning just waiting for today to come so I could just go get this transfer done!

I got up to shower, shave, do a quick half-assed pedicure, and then I came downstairs to watch some tv.  It seems that all of the good morning shows are on around 9 am or so because I'm stuck watching Good Morning America.  Something about this show makes me feel like my mother and by that I mean it makes me feel old-ish.  I guess I should blame that on Diane Sawyer because every time I see her I think of 60 Minutes, then I think Andy Rooney and I think of how boring the show is even though it's a huge deal.  Snooze.  It's ok, you can totally disagree and hate me for being bored to tears by Diane Sawyer and 60 Minutes.  I don't care.  Anyway, apparently Whitney Houston is going to be on Good Morning America tomorrow.  Does she have a new CD?  Did she put down the crack pipe long enough to make a decent album?  I miss old Whitney and I wish her all the best.  Is she still with that loser, Bobby?  I can't keep track of her shenanigans.  I mean, she hasn't even been on TMZ recently so I thought we were over her but I guess not.

Ok, that has nothing to do with anything at all.  I'm clearly trying to avoid thinking about the transfer.  See, when I think about it I kinda say to myself, 12 embryos is awesome, 11 grade 1 embryos is super awesome, this is awesome! It'll be fine! You made it to DAY 5!!! Then negative Amy starts talking, Pfffft, you're excited because for a second it looked good?  That's exactly when it goes wrong!  And maybe it was going to go well until you started thinking that it was all good and that kinda thinking just  jinxed it.  You can't just think you know what's coming or have faith that it'll be good because every time you do that things go all wrong!  So just stop thinking! STOP! Eh! Eh! Stop it!! And then a bunch of people come in and strap me into a straight jacket because I'm clearly nuts.  I also bought a feng shui book a couple of weeks ago and our bathroom is in our "Children and Creativity" area and I noticed that it was all kinds of messy this morning.  I mean, if it's a mess things could go wrong!  If my husbands dirty underwear is just laying on the floor and the trash is full then it'll totally ruin our chances of having babies!  They'll probably call us in an hour and be like, "don't bother coming in, there's nothing left" and I'll know it's because the bathroom was a mess.  I should also clean the toilet!  I also need to make sure there aren't any triangles in there.  Triangles in your baby making place are bad!  My other concern is not peeing on the doc.  I did this twice in VA at our old clinic, once for Aislinn's IVF transfer and then a little over a year ago for a frozen embryo transfer and their policy is come with a moderately full bladder so that you can lay there for 20 more minutes without peeing everywhere.  My new clinic wants me to show up with an "uncomfortably" full bladder and they'll do an ultrasound to check and if they don't think you're uncomfortable enough yet you have to drink more water.  We did this with them last November and I came with an uncomfortably full bladder because I was concerned about not passing their test before the transfer and I could barely keep myself from peeing before the embryos were brought in.  Like as soon as the doc left I told the nurse that I couldn't wait even 60 seconds, I had to pee so I had to pee in a bed pan which was just awful.  Here's the thing, for me moderately full is full as hell for me.  I have a pea sized bladder and I have never been able to hold my pee long, and after having been pregnant I have no control over it at all now.  I mean, I pee when I sneeze so common!  I'm thinking of just lying to them and being all like, "OMG I have to peeeeeeee!!!" when I'm just moderately full.  I'm kinda hoping that they'll let me bring in my iPod so that I can watch a movie once their done because by some miracle I can hold it for hours if I am watching TV, movies or playing The Sims.  So, if I can just watch a movie I'll ignore my needs just fine and be able to wait 20 minutes more.

Oh, you know, I should really talk more about my daughter who actually does exist and breathe rather than these embryos all the time.  I mean, she is pretty awesome too.  So, turns out she had Roseola or whatever.  It's crazy.  It's basically a 3 day fever and then 24 hours after the fever is gone your kid breaks out in this hideous rash that makes them look more sickly than the fever ever did but they're actually technically not sick anymore at this point but it does make then a whole lot of bitchy.  Boy, did she have an attitude yesterday when she woke up covered in red spots and blotchiness.  I brought her to the doc thinking things were going bad again and because I totally love giving them my money in return for more info about how she's totally fine and it'll be over soon.  Just chill the fuck out, she's fine!  I usually don't bring her to the doc every time she coughs, has a runny nose or has a fever because I know that she'll be fine but with her going to NJ for most of the week while I rest and her starting pre-school next week I was just spastic and hoping that she wasn't going to come down with something awful.  I also thought the doctor had a magic wand that could fix your kid if you had some big stuff coming up but there's no such wand. 

Well, I'm just boring all of you to death out there.  I'm using this blog and my readers to just kill time and keep my mind off of the transfer and it's just not that interesting for you anymore, now is it?  It's ok, you won't hurt my feelings.  I know that this is boring for you.  I'll write later and update you on the transfer and all that.  Wish me luck and stuff.