Tales of the Polycystic Ovaries

Still Feeling Down

Sorry I haven't been blogging.  Things have been rough.  Sophia had her mastectomy so I spent a few days with her and her family helping out.  It was nice to spend some time with her and make her laugh.  She's handling it really well but it's not easy and I wish that there was more that I could do for her.  I'm having a really hard time with this.  It breaks my heart to see her this way but it seems that she's going to be ok so I guess that's the good news.  

As for me, there's no immediate plans to make a baby.  I'm too stressed and I need to lose some weight.  Maybe late spring or early summer.  I don't know.  I'd love to have another baby but I'm a mess right now and I've barely dealt with the fact that I had a miscarriage again.  I think about it every once in a while.  Today when Aislinn & I were laying down for a nap she said, "Mommy, your tummy isn't growing" and my heart broke.  Ugh. I just have to focus on losing weight and getting healthy right now.  It's not easy but I have to do it.

The good news that I do have is that Aislinn has been pretty good at using the potty but I still need to remind her to sit on the potty.  She doesn't think to do it on her own but that's ok.  There was only one wet diaper today!! Yay!!

Not OK

I miscarried, as you all know, but besides that someone very close to me has breast cancer.  Let's just call her Sophia.  Anyone out there who knows Sophia there's a reason I call her that.  There's a joke we used to have and it makes sense for that to be her code name here on my blog.  Anyway, Sophia had a mastectomy yesterday morning.  Her breast cancer is more upsetting to me than my miscarriage.  I kinda thought the miscarriage would happen this time anyway.  Ugh.  Not that the miscarriage isn't awful, because it's always awful, but it's not as awful as cancer.  I've been cleaning and cooking and cleaning and cleaning and cooking.  Anything I can do to keep my mind off of Sophia's breast cancer.  Or maybe just to keep me busy so that I don't sit still and think about it.  Her breast cancer is stage two and they don't believe it has spread to her lymph nodes so that's good.  Things are never 100% again though, are they?  She was in good spirits and all until last Wednesday when she finally cried about it and since then I've been a mess.  Well, before that I was barely sleeping but once she cried that was it.  She's always strong when things aren't right.  I kind of depend on her for that and right now she can't be.  She is entitled to a break down every once in a while, right?  Of course.  We all are.  I just don't know what to do with myself.  I've been cleaning and cooking and all that so that I'm just exhausted at the end of the day in hopes that I'll just fall asleep but I still can't.  She doesn't want pink ribbons and absolutely doesn't want anyone walking for her.  She doesn't want anyone talking about it when she's not there.  Nobody is following that rule.  She is letting me stay with her for a few days next week to help out.  That makes me feel a little bit better.  I don't know how to sort out my feelings right now.  Some days I feel ok, others I don't.  I don't know what the right thing to say or do is.  I don't know what to do when the bad stuff is happening to someone else and not to me.  I feel helpless and I hate watching her go through this.  I just want her to be ok.  I wish there was more I could do.

As for me and my faulty reproductive organs, Dr. Hotness is going to have me do some tests before we do anything with frosty.  He doesn't think that we will find anything.  He still thinks I capable of getting and staying pregnant.  I don't know if I think that's possible, but no baby is going to want to be in my tired stressed out body right now so I'm going to have to start managing that.  Depending on the results of the tests and our bank account, we would probably wait until after the new year before doing a frozen cycle.  I also need to lose some weight... during the holiday season.  It'll be fun.

Aislinn is really enjoying school.  Too bad it's just 2 days a week right now.  She's having so much fun.  Potty training wasn't going so well but out of nowhere she asked to sit on the big potty yesterday.  She tired 3 times, didn't pee or poop at all, but at least she tried and asked to try.  Same thing today, but hasn't actually done anything in the potty.  That's ok though, at least she wants to try.  What more can I ask?  

I'm Trying to Chill

Yeah, sorry about yesterday.  I totally flipped out.  Thanks for the comments and encouragement.  I really appreciate it.  I almost feel like expecting the worst is better than expecting the best.  Every time I think things will be ok they aren't.  I'd rather be shocked by good news than shocked by bad.  That's negative, I know, but this method has worked for me in the past.  That's awful.  Howie is being positive for the both of us.  He's good like that.  He says he thinks things are fine this time.

Here's some good news though, my headaches are a sure thing every night and I feel like it might have something to do with Thing 1 & Thing 2.  I also felt like I was going to hurl last night.  I'll make a deal with them, if either of them or both of them just settle in and stick around they can make me as sick as they want.  I was the vomit queen for the the first trimester of my pregnancy with Aislinn and as awful as it was to be grossed out by EVERYTHING I put in my mouth (including and especially saltines which everyone swore would be vomit proof food) it was also very reassuring to have that constant sign of pregnancy.  I'd be happy to vomit my way through the rest of the first trimester if they would just stick around.  

Enough of all this IVF stuff.  Let's talk about Aislinn.  She has started acting out shows that she watches which is pretty cute.  She's also singing songs.  Not just songs that we always sing, but she was at our neighbor's house playing with their Yo Gabba Gabba guitars and she learned the words to the song it sang after listening to it a couple of times.  It was pretty cool.  So cute.  Then she sang "Twinkle Twinkle Little Star" to her little boyfriend, Q.  

Potty training isn't going well.  She hasn't done anything in her potty since the first time.  I asked Aislinn to sit on the potty a few times today but nothing.  I know she's just holding it in.  Ugh.  Hopefully we can make it work soon.  I hate potty training.

I FINALLY ordered her a backpack.  I know, she already had her first day of school and now I'm ordering her a backpack.  I'm a little late on that but it's cute.  I got her the blue flower dot pre-school backpack from PBK.  I know, silly, but I love PBK.  It's a sickness.  I'll have to get into a 12 step program.  It's a cute bag though, isn't it?

I'm feeling the need to go up and nap so I'm going to pop my mid-day cooter shooter and head upstairs.  I love nap time.  It's my snuggle time with Aislinn.  I snuggle her multiple times a day but she's so busy all the time that unless she's asleep she doesn't snuggle too long.  

Pee Pee is Awesome!!

Ok, enough about IVF for a second!  Aislinn and I were upstairs cleaning and she came up to me and said "Mommy, I have to go pee pee. I have to go downstairs and sit on my potty."  We have two potties but a week or so ago she decided she liked having both of them downstairs and in an effort to make her happy and hopefully get her to pee in the potty I brought the second one down.  So I'm thinking, this is her way of trying to get downstairs so that she can sit in front of the tv and watch Phineas and Ferb but of course I say ok and we walk down.  She also told me she wanted to walk downstairs on her own.  She didn't want me to hold her hand this time.  I usually hold her hand because it's hardwood and also because she is her father's daughter (very clumsy!).  Anyway, this time I let her walk down on her own, just following behind her.  She walked over to her potty and took off her pants and diaper then sat down on the potty.  She sat for a second and asked if I could put on Phineas and Ferb.  While I was looking for the remotes I thought I heard her actually pee.  I turned around and looked at her for a second and she stood up and yelled, "I WENT PEE PEE!! I WENT PEE PEE!"  So i walked over and looked inside and she did!!  She went pee pee in the potty!!! YAAAAAAAYYYYY!!!  I picked her up and we danced around the house cheering.  Yay!!  Ok, I know it was just one time but she told me she had to, she held it while she walked down the stairs, and then actually peed in the potty!  That's awesome!!  I'm soooo happy and so proud!!  Yaaaaay!!  I gave her a book of Dora stickers and she's sooo proud of herself.  I'm so excited!  Maybe we'll make cookies or cupcakes today too and celebrate!